Father: (at hospital looking through glass at newly arrived
babies)

"Kitchy kitchy koo. Look, she
smiled...

isn't she adorable?"

Friend: "But your kid didn't smile."

Father: "I was talking about the nurse."

There were two blondes going to California for the
summer, they are about two hours into the flight and the
pilot gets on the intercom and says we just lost an engine
but it is all right we have three more but it will take us
an hour longer. 
A half hour later he gets on the intercom again and says
we just lost another engine but its all right we have two
more it will take us another half hour though. 
One of the blondes says, "If we lose the two last
engines we will be up here all day"

Any father will tell ya that parents spend the first 2-3
years of a daughter's life trying to teach them to talk,
and the next 15 or so trying to get them to shut-up.

One evening after dinner, a five-year-old son noticed that
his mother had gone out and he asked, "Where did mommy
go?"

In answer to his questions, he was told
him, "Mommy is at a Tupperware party."

This explanation satisfied him for only a moment. Puzzled,
he asked, "What's a Tupperware party, Dad?"

The man had always given my son honest answers, so
he figured a simple explanation would be the best approach.
"Well, son," he said, "at a Tupperware party,
a bunch of
ladies sit around and sell plastic bowls to
each other."

He nodded, indicating that he
understood this curious pastime.

Then he burst
into laughter. "Come on, Dad," he said. "What
is it really?"

A man, after being hurt, calls 911 for help.


Man: Operator, operator, call me an
ambulance!

 Operator: Okay, sir,
you're an ambulance!