At communion you go back for seconds.

You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.

You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.

Long distance companies don't call you to switch.

You give blood everyday.. just for the orange juice.

McDonald's is the supplier of all your kitchen condiments.

American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"

Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside
a restaurant.

You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic
bond with Abe Lincoln.

A Jew takes a picture of Lenin to Israel. 
At the Soviet border he says that it is a picture of Lenin.

At the Israeli border he says that it is a gold picture
frame

By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. Phil Show, I
have finally found inner peace.

Dr. Phil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to
finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around my house to see things I started and
hadn't finished; 
and, before leaving the house this morning I finished off a
bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bottle of
Baileys, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreo's, a pot of
coffee, the rest of the Cheesecake, some Saltines and a box
of Godiva Chocolates.

You have no idea how freaking good I feel.

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did,
in his sleep - not screaming, like the passengers in his
car.

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their
signs? 

When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to
be thrown away?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"? 

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? 

Why do they report power outages on TV? 

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is
eating an endangered plant? 

Is it possible to be totally partial? 

What's another word for thesaurus? 

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? 

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

An entry in the Bad Writing Contest at San Jose State

As she fell face down into the black muck of the
mud-wrestling pit, her sweaty 300-pound opponent muttering
soft curses in Latin on top of her, Sister Marie thought,
"There is no doubt about it; the Pope has betrayed me."