A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He
breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a
young couple in bed. 

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while
tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her
neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's
in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his
clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't
seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If
he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he
tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.
This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry,
he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He
wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought
you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told
him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you
too!!"

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready
to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the
husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a
virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and
age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you
went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the
telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room
service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make
love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.
"Now what are you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get
room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes
love one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over
to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is
for this damn hole."

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his
birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave!
How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club
before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his
usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and
says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share
lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms
around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table
dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of
the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she
can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries
desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken
him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She
is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him
every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked
up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin
and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your
private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what
we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling
with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems
to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to
re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his
cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making
love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of
a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped
again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a
life sentence,
OKAY!

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed
away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to
visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother
replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love
on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly
100 years old having sex would surely be asking for
trouble.

"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago,
realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to
do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was
just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too
strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if
that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still
be alive today!"

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of
carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same
neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was
greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and
sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine
cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of
terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly
beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.

She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door,
and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his
mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed
him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage,
blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming
coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out
from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too
wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar
for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that
today would be your last day, and that we should do
something special for you. I asked him what to give you."

He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar."

The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and
had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized
they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and
one of them suggested they do their business behind a
headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe
with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them
away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear
set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to
salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and
proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they
made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other
husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to
stop. My wife came home last night without her panties."
"That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a
sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that
said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never
forget you!'